a list of reasons to just keep trying.

1. because Sandra Bullock just kept trying in Gravity.
2. because even if you don't succeed, you will have accomplished things that felt impossible.
3. because you really can do anything you put your mind to.
4. because what else are you going to fill your days up with? nothing? don't be wasteful of life.
5. because life is about the struggle. and the rewards from the struggle.
6. because others have worked so hard to put you in the place you are now.
7. because you want to be part of something that is bigger than yourself.
8. because you want to go into work each day, knowing you could positively impact a life.
9. because you want to give your kids all of the advantages & opportunities you had growing up.
10. because it's worth it.
11. because one day you'll grab coffee through the starbucks line on the way to your office.
12. because one day you'll have a place to wear your pink polo oxford & navy & white polka-dotted pencil skirt.
13. because one day you'll have patients, & a schedule, & a routine.
14. because one day you'll be able to buy your husband lavish gifts to repay him for how he has unwaveringly supported you.
15. because whyyyyy notttt, take a crazy chance? [thanks, hilary duff].
16. just because.

thought(s) on thursday.

There is great, great joy in rising early, which is very easily forgotten between dreams & the snooze button.

thoughts on monday.

Since I last wrote, nothing has been particularly satisfyingly productive in my life. Does that make sense? Well, perhaps I'll try to explain: I get on these kicks of overwhelmingly satisfying productivity. Even if the items I'm completing on my to-do list are extremely mundane, & even if the to-do list isn't miles upon miles long... I just get this feeling of euphoria as I carry out my day. Here is a great example of one of those types of days.

But, like I said: I haven't been feeling that feeling lately. And oh, how I miss it. I miss zipping around, doing this & that, schlicing it off my to-do list with a highlighter... Yes. I miss that. 

The truth is: I've been in a BIG rut. There, I said it. I know it's one of the most overused phrases or ideas or whatever, but sometimes saying that you're "in a rut" is the only way to express what's happening when you stop wanting to rise early, when you feel exhausted by eight p.m., & you aren't taking joy in little day-to-day items. I've been in a rut. 

My to-do lists have weighed on me... have gone un-schliced. They have mocked me days later, when I gaze upon them & find them achingly bare. Starkly un-highlighted. And yet, I continued making the lists. I continued piling on the items, knowing I wasn't going to complete them. And I continued in this vicious cycle for days... weeks. 

Then, this morning, as I was sitting outside of my Anatomy & Physiology classroom, I knew what I needed to do, as if the answer had been there all along [because it had]. Make a different type of to-do list. Re-arrange my tasks. Look at my previously-daunting list in a slightly different light. I think I'm surprised every time at how different something feels from a slightly adjusted vantage point.

So, I'm going to try to remember this time. I'm going to try to remember, that when my to-do lists feel un-doable, or my tasks feel like lead weighing down my steps... I'll just come at them from a different angle. I'll see them differently. I'll feel them differently. And I'll most certainly carry them out differently. 

Better.

thoughts on tuesday.

An important truth was illuminated for me last night as Justin & I discussed my current stress levels. We were walking the trail at Hugh MacRae Park, something Justin suggested & which I was eager for. 

"You're not taking enough time during the week to relax," he said. "You need to take it easy sometimes, instead of constantly working on school."

At first, I tried to defend the constant obsession with school, citing that my incessant working was the only way to produce the grades I've been making.

But as we put more & more of the trail behind us, I realized he was right. Running around like a crazy person all the time was, indeed, happening at the same time that good grades were happening. But, as I've been learning in school, correlation does not always equal causation.

In other words, the craziness was not, in itself, producing the good grades. And perhaps I can cut myself a little slack during the week (AND WEEKENDS) & still maintain the school standards I've set for myself.

So that's what I'm trying this week, starting today. Instead of freaking out about my A&P class & being able to be the one who can answer all of the teacher's questions, I just sat back & listened. And sat in a coffee shop beforehand, texting a dear friend, going through my email, & writing.

I've been so stressed because I haven't been focused on cultivating the kind of life I want to live. I've been micro-focusing, & in turn, absolutely obsessing over things that, in the big picture, do not matter.

There is a purpose in life, & I have my own role to play in that bigger purpose. That belief allows me the relief that I don't have to run myself ragged to fulfill my role.

Scaling back & making more time for myself & my loved ones - that is my main role right now. And I'm more than happy to fill it.

thoughts on monday.

I went to sleep last night, thinking today was magically going to be the day I felt compelled to actually get things done. I thought this the night before last, the night before that, & that night before that. For some reason, I've been in this spiral of not getting anything done, feeling bad about myself, & then... continuing not to get anything done. Procrastination at its worst. And procrastination is one of my biggest vices.

When I rose this morning, it wasn't when my alarm went off. It was basically at the last second - the latest I could get up without feeling ridiculously rushed. And I just sat there, wallowing in my crumminess, wallowing in my want to be better, to do better, & to feel better. And as I sauntered off to class, I didn't feel better. And when I sauntered off to the office to get my new parking decal, I didn't feel better. And when I finished my 2-mile walk at the trail, I didn't feel better. And even when I pulled into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot, I still didn't feel better, even with the prospect of dollar iced coffee on the immediate agenda.

But let me tell you something. At the moment I took the first sip of my dollar iced coffee, which the barista so ingeniously suggested I add a pump of pumpkin syrup to, a huge weight lifted off of me.

And, you know, I don't really think it has anything to do with the coffee, at its essence. I think, at its essence, this good feeling was produced by being kind to myself. Treating myself. Communicating love for myself.

I've been walking around with my negative attitude pointed inward. I've been hating on myself, & it certainly hasn't yielded pretty results. Being mean to one's self doesn't have to manifest itself in physical ways. You can be mean to yourself on the inside, & let me tell you, it's going to feel awful. And the bad thing is, you may not even recognize it for what it is. You may not even realize you're being mean to yourself... that you're being down on yourself.

Just a few minutes ago, I was reading a blog post, & the author was talking about how being kind to yourself is one of the best medicines there is. And today, I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. True, it sounds kind of corny... it sounds kind of cliche'... it sounds like a platitude. But believe me, when you feel that first burst of inward kindness, that first hey self, i actually do love you feeling, your mood is going to shift upward in a big way.

Whether or not pumpkin flavored coffee is involved, is up to you.

about sidda writes.

welcome to sidda writes. i'm lauren.

Hello, & welcome to Sidda Writes! You may have stopped over from my home blog, siddathornton, but if you landed here from avenues other than that, I prompt you to check out that page as well, since it houses my main blog content, which you may be interested in.

Sidda Writes showcases all of my writing, from thoughts, to lists, to trying my hand at compiling a work of fiction, as well as a nonfiction memoir. It has long been a dream of mine to write a novel's worth of fiction, as well as a memoir's worth of nonfiction. This page is going to aid me in that task.

The Fiction section of this blog will focus on the development of what I hope will one day be a published novel. For years, I've had some thoughts bouncing around in my head, asking me to turn them into a story. Herein, you will see my attempts to make that happen.

Similarly, the Memoir section of this blog will play home to some memories & experiences that I'd like to see bound together & turned into a real life book. These entries will provide a window into my past, as well as reflection on that past.

Thoughts posts happen when I simply open a new post & start tapping away. These are raw emotions, raw thoughts, going straight from my fingertips to your screen. This is the kind of blogging I did back in my xanga days, & it's something I - in the past, quite frequently - had realized was missing from my blogging regime. So now, it's here. And it's here to stay.

And finally, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I thrive off of lists. The making of them, the schlicing through of completed items with a highlighter, & the admiration of a completed list at the end of the day. Maybe the lists you'll find here won't be quite the same, but maybe they will. This section of Sidda Writes is one that I think will evolve over the course of time, & I'm excited to both witness & have a hand in that evolution.

So, there you have it. Sidda Writes in a nutshell. I hope you enjoy your time here, & that perhaps reading my words will inspire you to write some of your own. Writing can provide such a profound form of therapy, & I encourage you all to put pen to paper whenever you are able.

As I said before, this isn't the only place you can find me. Please feel free to browse around the entire siddathornton network!

siddathornton | My main blog, housing content of all kinds.
Sidda Wears | A blog focused on nail polish, clothing, & makeup. 
Sidda Snaps | A photography exploration, encompassing snapshots & photo diaries.

You can also find me on YouTube, under the name siddathornton. A long-time lover of all things YouTube Beauty Community-related, I am currently working to build my channel, which will start out featuring monthly favorites videos, seasonal empties videos, get ready with me videos, tag videos, & the occasional vacation vlog. 

To get in touch, visit my Contact page.