thoughts on monday.

I went to sleep last night, thinking today was magically going to be the day I felt compelled to actually get things done. I thought this the night before last, the night before that, & that night before that. For some reason, I've been in this spiral of not getting anything done, feeling bad about myself, & then... continuing not to get anything done. Procrastination at its worst. And procrastination is one of my biggest vices.

When I rose this morning, it wasn't when my alarm went off. It was basically at the last second - the latest I could get up without feeling ridiculously rushed. And I just sat there, wallowing in my crumminess, wallowing in my want to be better, to do better, & to feel better. And as I sauntered off to class, I didn't feel better. And when I sauntered off to the office to get my new parking decal, I didn't feel better. And when I finished my 2-mile walk at the trail, I didn't feel better. And even when I pulled into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot, I still didn't feel better, even with the prospect of dollar iced coffee on the immediate agenda.

But let me tell you something. At the moment I took the first sip of my dollar iced coffee, which the barista so ingeniously suggested I add a pump of pumpkin syrup to, a huge weight lifted off of me.

And, you know, I don't really think it has anything to do with the coffee, at its essence. I think, at its essence, this good feeling was produced by being kind to myself. Treating myself. Communicating love for myself.

I've been walking around with my negative attitude pointed inward. I've been hating on myself, & it certainly hasn't yielded pretty results. Being mean to one's self doesn't have to manifest itself in physical ways. You can be mean to yourself on the inside, & let me tell you, it's going to feel awful. And the bad thing is, you may not even recognize it for what it is. You may not even realize you're being mean to yourself... that you're being down on yourself.

Just a few minutes ago, I was reading a blog post, & the author was talking about how being kind to yourself is one of the best medicines there is. And today, I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. True, it sounds kind of corny... it sounds kind of cliche'... it sounds like a platitude. But believe me, when you feel that first burst of inward kindness, that first hey self, i actually do love you feeling, your mood is going to shift upward in a big way.

Whether or not pumpkin flavored coffee is involved, is up to you.